Food for Thought

I love food. I love good food. I love junk food. I love greasy food. I love fresh food. I love the way food makes me feel. I love the way I can make others feel when I feed them delicious food. And, as I’ve come to learn more and more, I have a food addiction.

That took a dark turn, but it’s true. I was well into my twenties when I learned for the first time that not everyone thinks about food all. the. time. I was floored to learn that when waking up, breakfast wasn't the first thing on some people’s minds. People didn’t plan their days around what they were going to eat. Most shocking of all--people went about their days without knowing exactly when and what they were going to eat next. How is that real life? Even as I finish one meal, I’m planning the next.

I’ve always associated food with rewards. When we celebrated holidays, we had food. When we were good, we would go out for burgers, or an ice cream, or another special treat. This might not be the actual truth, but it’s what I remember. When I was sick, when I was low, when I was bored, food always fixed it.

Food was even my first few jobs. My very first job was working at a sandwich shop in Yakima (much better than chain sub shops, by the way). I wasn’t a very fast sandwich maker, but I loved to make the subs and watch as others enjoyed the food I had made (well, assembled). Afterwards, I switched to the snack bar at St. Joseph’s Bingo. This particular snack bar was much more--we served burgers, fries, chicken, and all kinds of specialty goodies. The cook taught me how to make just about everything on the menu, even though my job was just to deliver the food. When a single order would come in, I would often just make it myself--I loved to make food for people! Then, I moved to Burger Ranch, which I’m sure you’ll hear a lot more about in future posts. Again, making and serving food was something I just loved to do.

My pastor and friend, Paul, taught me the most about cooking quality food. He was always making delicious food that I had never in my life tried. There was a whole new culinary world I didn’t know about. He took Angie and I to restaurants that were not in our circle at all. My tastes definitely expanded. Some of my favorite memories with him involve being in the church kitchen making food for different events. I even carried on the tradition after he moved.

I still love to cook for others. It’s difficult to find time to invite others over, but I love to make a special dinner. With the additions of InstantPots and an air fryer oven, my love of cooking has only increased.

But, let’s be honest: I am fat. I shouldn’t be eating all this food. I know it. I’ve tried all the diets. I’ve done Weight Watchers. But food won. I’ve done HCG drops. Food won (after some short-term success). Keto lost several rounds to food. I’ve done the gym thing more than a few times. I’m strong in so many areas of my life, but food has always had a control that I am ashamed to admit. I’ll keep trying. I will.

I often joke about being a fat kid. I poke fun at my size, or the food I eat, or even at unsuspecting skinny people who have no idea what it’s like to be overweight, let alone obese. I laugh and act as though it’s just a part of who I am. Honestly, though, it’s a part of my life that I hate. Deep down, I’m embarrassed and ashamed. I act like food is a choice, but I’m afraid to let others know that I’m really out of control. I’m afraid of how they will think of me.

I’ve wrestled with the idea of seeing a therapist about my addiction. It seems so excessive. Just stop eating, right? Just don’t buy the food, right? Just STOP! I can, for a little while. Unfortunately, I end up giving in. A bad day. Kids have gone cray cray. There’s a celebration. Something always throws me off the wagon. I’m hoping that by being more honest and open, and maybe seeing a professional will help.

I want to be healthy. I want to live well and long enough to see my children grow and have kids of their own. I want to be able to actually play with my grandchildren. I want to grow older without all the extra difficulties of being obese. I want the best life possible. I know that to be able to thrive, I must have my health in order. To get healthy, I must take control of my eating and food addiction.